


still, the wanting comes in waves

by havisham



Series: havisham's SASO 2017 works collection [59]
Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 19:34:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11653266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havisham/pseuds/havisham
Summary: There was always something unreachable within Rin, something not enough Sousuke could ever fix.





	still, the wanting comes in waves

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SASO 2017, Bonus Round Five: Clue, for [the prompt:](http://sportsanime.dreamwidth.org/24808.html?thread=14973416#cmt14973416) Rin &/ (Sousuke or Haru), Rin in the ocean with rocks in his pockets.

Rin didn’t make the national team for the Tokyo Olympics. He lost out by a tenth of a second and while both Sousuke and Haru took pains to him that it was simply the luck of the draw, no reflection on his talent or abilities. Well, Sousuke took the pains to tell him. Haru just sort of looked at Rin indirectly and muttered something about the water not judging. Sousuke had to swallow the inevitable sense of irritation he felt with this kind of wishy-washy nonsense -- he’d made peace with the notion that in order to have Rin in his life, he would also have to accept Haru into his. 

All throughout their three-way conversation, Rin had been silent, withdrawing into himself. He smiled at the right spots, even shed some disappointed tears but -- Sousuke felt an immeasurable amount of distance between them that he was at loss to explain. 

What could Sousuke do for him? He knew all about disappointments, of course. He'd hoped that as Rin's trainer, he would at least be able to stand beside Rin when he won on the world stage, even if he couldn't compete with him. But now, it seemed that both of their dreams were to be deferred. 

That night in the cramped little space that was laughingly called their apartment, Sousuke drew Rin over him and kissed him and kissed him, trying to draw out the poison from his mind. There would be other chances, he told him. Besides, it wasn't like there was no chance that Rin wouldn't compete in Tokyo -- he was one the team's reserves and a lot of things could happen between then and now. 

“I could break his leg for you,” Sousuke said, half-serious. 

But Rin shook his head. He said, with some deliberation, “I think I'm going back to Iwatobi for a few days.” 

“Back to Iwatobi?” Sousuke was puzzled. “Why?” 

“Just to clear my head.” Rin smiled. “Don't come after me. I just wanna be alone, Sou.” 

“I don't mind going home,” Sousuke said, “hell, my parents are mad that I don't go home enough.” 

“I want to go alone,” Rin said, more strongly than before. “To see my dad. It'd be boring for you.” 

It's my hometown too. I don’t have to be beside you the whole time. Rin --” 

“ _Sousuke_.” 

Then take Haru, or something,” Sousuke said, frustrated. “That guy would probably go.” 

“Alone,” Rin said, and then flipped them over so he was straddling Sousuke between his thighs. “Enough of this boring conversation,” he said teasingly. “Wouldn't you rather fuck instead?” 

“Rin,” Sousuke said hopelessly. “ _Rin_ ,” he said again when Rin crushed his mouth against his. He tasted like salt and the tang something already lost. “You know I love you like crazy, don't you?” 

“I know,” Rin said. “I know.” 

*

 _It’s not enough._ He didn’t say. But Sousuke knew. 

*

There was so much to do that after Sousuke saw Rin off to the station that he didn't think of him until that evening. His day had been filled with one crisis or another, people were constantly begging for his time and attention. He didn’t know why, exactly, there were other trainers who were more experienced than him. He just -- had a way about him, perhaps.

 _Yeah right,_ Rin would say. _Are you blind?_

_Blind to what?_

_They want to be near you, Sousuke-kun,_ Rin would say with a flash of sharp teeth. _Get with the program, would you?_

But Rin was his focus. Sousuke didn’t have the time or the inclination to think of anyone else. However, there were other people who depended on him, whose development as swimmers was a part of his job. He didn’t begrudge them that. In fact, he thought that one day he might even be able to start his own swimming academy -- with Rin, of course. 

One dream could become another. 

When he got home, however, his thoughts weren't of the future, but of the present. He was thinking about Rin. He checked his call log, but Rin hadn't called at all that day. No texts either, except for one that hed’ had sent in the morning, as he was waiting for the train. 

_I love you_ , he'd written. Sousuke had written back, of course. 

_Loser, of course you do._

*

“Sousuke, Sousuke.” It was Gou, but he could hardly recognize her voice, it was shaking so badly. “Please tell me this isn't true.” 

“Gou,” he said slowly, watching the alarm clock on Rin’s side of the bed flash midnight, “what's the matter?” 

“Oh God,” she said, “you don't know what's happened. You don't know.” 

“Gou, what happened?” 

“It's Rin,” she said, sobbing. “He's missing. He went swimming and never came back.” 

*

When Sousuke returned to Iwatobi, his father was waiting for him at the train station. Except for greying temples and the creases on the side of his mouth, Sousuke and his father looked alike -- they _were_ alike. Not much use for talking, between them. 

But still, in between silences, Sousuke’s father told him what he needed to know. They’d found Rin’s body that afternoon. He was still wearing the clothes he’d had on when Sousuke had seen him off yesterday morning. The pockets of his jeans were filled with rocks. 

He hadn’t left a suicide note, but no one really expected him to. 

_If I was his true lover,_ Sousuke thought, as they drove through country lane towards home, his thoughts jangled as the pavement of the road turned to gravel. The open window brought with it the scent of saltwater and seaweed, even this far inland. _I would follow him._

 _But I don’t want to die. Rin, I don’t want to, not yet._

“He was.” Sousuke’s father looked over to him. “Important to you, I know.” 

“I love him,” Sousuke said bluntly. He couldn’t remember at the moment if he was out to his father or not. He was now, he supposed. He couldn’t think of Rin in the past tense. Not now. Not yet. Not ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Me and SASO's endless supply of INCREDIBLY SAD SOURIN PROMPTS need to break up!!! Seriously why can't I write them as happy!! Someone help, my OTP fields are dying!
> 
> Title from The Decemberists.


End file.
